Let's Talk about the Weasel in the Room.

Fear.

When I started writing this blog, I told myself that it was going to be a dumping ground for all those things that would interfere with "just letting the story rip."  I've written about exciting rehearsal events, my wonderful team, my thoughts on the process so far...but if I'm going to be true to my original intent, It's time to talk about the weasel in the room.

Fear is like a worm in my brain, burrowing in and subtle-y taking over the direction of my thoughts.  "You can do better than that."  "How did you miss that?"  "That's crap."
Fear paralyzes my thinking process and clouds my rational internal eye.  Instead of working in a calm, step-by-step process, I leap from task to task, or worse, spend ungodly amounts of time perfecting schedules., and imagining how much I can get done in 2 hours.
Fear makes me hostage to all my perfectionist, obsessive, procrastinating habits.
Fear makes me feel embarrassed.  Instead of trying to fix a problem, I default to paralyzing myself with feelings of embarrassment, and even panic.

Time to stop and re-group.

What am I afraid of?
-that the mountain of Les Mis is too big and I won't make it over!  I've bitten off more than I can chew...
-that I will be perceived as a thoughtless, demanding, bitchy blowhard by my cast/crew/team
-that it won't be "good", and that people will judge me.  (What does that "good" mean exactly??)
-that I am mostly just hot air, and don't really have a plan--not like a "real" director.
-that performing the "role" of  director is the extent of my ability, and that I'm enjoying it too much to give it up or change it.  I can pace and take notes with the best of them!
-that picking out a dress for opening night is starting to take up a lot more of my time than is warranted...maybe.

Ugh.  As I write this my stomach is churning and my heart is pounding...I'm found out!  &^$TU^TYOUIU%RI&U&T$$@%#$%*^(*)&*_*)*^*^$#@##&^%&(*&)*

So what am I going to do??

Well, I've done the first thing:  confess.  Next thing is figuring out what the real work is, and separating it from the busy work, and the procrastinating work
1) I need to make a list of scenes that need attention--everything about them that needs attention, and start figuring out how I'm going to tackle those things.  Less worry about the casts' schedule and them waiting around too much--and more attention on how I'm going to accomplish the tasks.  This includes any set, prop, or tech stuff.   Kind of like being the friend instead of the teacher...
2)  I want to talk to Martin about some of the things that he is talking to Principles about.  I think we are on the same page more than I think.  Maybe even plan a set time after rehearsals to compare notes.  (Bring wine)
3)  I'm going to videotape rehearsals and use the tapes to make more notes than what I see during rehearsal.  I'm missing a lot because I'm trying to do too much.
4)  Be generous and open to other's thoughts.  Use Jane and Freda's notes in a timely manner.  Figure out when we can compare and line them up.  After rehearsals, maybe?
5)  Let Sean, Todd and everyone else take care of what they can take care of...up to and including the schedule.
6)  Clarify what I want:  What I've wanted from the beginning is authenticity:  real connections between people so that the story is clear and understandable.  That is why we have focused on relationships and "Doing what you'd Do"  (This is an entire new blog post--oh my.  More on this later.)

The real bottom line is that I need to believe in myself.  I have prepped thoroughly.  I am a good communicator.  I know what I want, and I can get there if I can focus my energy, and spend it with purpose and precision on the things that I need to focus on, only.  One thing at a time.  One step at a time.  One Day at a time.

Weasels.  They are everywhere.

One Day More...
xo
K